A Week is a Long Time in Pienomics

Discarded pie wrappers hang in the chill winds of recession at the quiet end of the street. McBroon and Willy sit hunched over a tepid bottle of Irn Bru, a single bulb glowing weakly overhead. Some pies sit disconsolately in the window display, a wee sprig of heather the only decoration.

McBroon " Cheers Willy..."

Willy " Are we aff soundbite McBroon?"

McBroon"Aye we are Willy........Pierre from pie assembly left for the night..."

Willy " Cheers McBroon...."

McBroon " Remember Willy when this end of the street was the best shopping in toon..."

Willy " Aye, I do that McBroon......full of shops.......everyone trading well........and now..."

McBroon "On one side we had the Nae Worth Nothing Pick n' Mix and on the other side IMF, Purveyors of fine kitchens......pie sales were through the roof........the wee till never stopped ringing..."

Willy " It's just no fair McBroon....all the custom has moved doon the other end....those posh bastards with their shiny new chipper, stealing all our trade..."

McBroon " Aye Willy, times have changed since the old owner left for his new career on the Rotary Club lecture circuit......they say he's earning thoosands, writing a book and buying up repossessions.."

Willy " Have another Bru McBroon, your spirits need lifting..."

McBroon " Those bastards at the Cheeky Chaps Chipper promised no more Pie n' Chips exchanges at the traders association...that big Dave bloke said this was a moment for pulling together..... a time for a pie-partisan approach..."

Willy " Sleekit bastard...never trust someone who's studied latin...he's big pals with the Mayor...too much influence.....I hear big Jackie left his job as heid of the Polis today..."

McBroon "Aye I heard he's taken over the kebab under the railway arches.."

Willy "The market did'nae like our first release of your Pie Bonds......the laddies from the chipper are telling all the toon it's a Pie in the Sky Pyramid Pie Scheme..."

McBroon "Sassenach bastards.....what's more Willy, that American Joe the plumber guy who came to fix the roof...bloody joke.......there's leaks everywhere..."

Willy "Cheer up McBroon stay on message......the Tokyo market opens bedtime Sunday.......50 quarters of growth in pie sales cannae disappear overnight..."

McBroon " Aye Willy......a week is a long time in pienomics..."

Willy " Fancy a take-away McBroon ?"

McBroon "What! doon that bloody chipper..."

Willy " Calm doon big man...over at big Jackies new kebab place.....the donners r' on me..."

Willy and McBroon switch off the light.....For Sale signs clatter against empty shop fronts...a smell of lightly battered line caught sole with double fried chips drifts up the street.

            Joe the Piemaker Jets In

McBroon " You'll be Joe the piemaker ..."

Joe " Shure am.....nice little place you got here.."

McBroon " Right President Piedrama tells me you're an expert piemaker..."

Joe " A piemaker! ..........  no, no I'm a plumber..."

McBroon "A plumber!....Willy in here quick laddie...this yank is no a piemaker...he's an f'ing plumber..."

Willy " Calm doon McBroon......I've got it.........remember what those bastards doon the chipper were saying aboot you no fixing the roof over the pie kitchen?"

McBroon " Bastards.........aye, I remember well..."

Willy " Problem solved then McBroon........get this Joe the plumber up on the roof to give it a once over and clear oot the gutters..."

McBroon " Blue skies thinking Willy.........those bastards doon the chipper will have to drop that silly claim aboot me no fixing the roof!"

PREPARATIONS FOR THE PIE 20 SUMIT AT McBROONS

McBroon " Evening Willy........this wee gathering of the pie 20 will do for those sassenach bastards doon the Do Nothing Chipper.."

Willy "Aye McBroon, too true..."

McBroon " We need a new slogan...."

Willy " You been listening to that Pierre Le Porky Pie laddie you hired from Brussels?"

McBroon "Listen Willy.....things can only get better....Prescot's family are signed up to the Pie Bailout Plan...we need a new slogan....that Pie in the Sky Pyramid Pie Sales Scam rebuttal from the Chipper laddies is getting too much coverage...even that numpty Robinspin has taken it up.."

Willy " Aye you're right there McBroon........the lass at the corner shop wants it up for Eurovision.."

McBroon " Shut it Willy......get back on message..."

Willy " McBroon what aboot that great pie chief from America........you said it's all their fault McBroons is arsed..."

McBroon "So it is Willy......but they like pies.....and there's the special relationship..."

Willy " No true McBroon.......pumpkin pies aye, Mcbroons pies no......"

McBroon "They said the Pie Slump is all their fault and that's the end of it..."

Willy "But..."

Mcbroon " Nae ifs and buts Willy......it's all their fault...feckless pumpkin eating bastards...now get back on message and repeat after me:

" Piedrama said it's all our fault, all our fault, all our fault

   Piedrama siad it's all our fault and McBroons fell doon ..."

                                HELP ARRIVES

Willy " McBroon I've got a wee plan..."

McBroon " Pies for hard pressed families..."

Willy " Cut the soundbites McBroon......Prezzie Elect Piedrama is going to help ......he's sending Joe the piemaker..."

McBroon " Joe the piemaker........just earlier you was saying the yanks know nothing aboot pies.......only those bloody pumpkin pies..."

Willy "Aye, that's the point McBroon....a pie is a pie.....it's all in the presentation.....naebody kens what's inside the pie.....pumpkin or McBroon filling.....who cares....think of it like a policy McBroon.......call something a policy and the game is won..."

McBroon " A bit like Pierre Le Porky Pie said........things can only get better..."

Willy "Exactly big man.......we'll get Joe the piemaker to front up your Great Pie Bailout..."

McBroon " Blue skies thinking Willy....... I present myself as a serious man with a serious plan and a hand picked expert.......this'll do for they sassenach bastards doon the chipper..."

Willy " Aye McBroon...it's all aboot presentation....to hell with the content...just like your pies!"

   A VISIT FROM COUNTER TERRORISM

CT " Are you McBroon?"

McBroon "Pies for hard pressed families......."

CT " Shut it McBroon......your well in the shite......we've just been doon the chipper......found one of your pies......"

McBroon " That'll be right......a wee gift to say welcome to the Pie Street....."

CT " Oh aye......they wus using it as a doorstop...."

McBroon " Ungrateful bastards..."

CT "McBroon there's a wee problem with your pie......it's interfering with oor radio frequency.."

McBroon " Look you f'ing idiots......a pie is a a pie...."

CT " Aye that'll be right......so why every time we phone the office there's a message from your bloody pie saying Pies for Hard Pressed Families?"

McBroon " Willy.......get in here sharp laddie.......did Pierre take the pie doon the chipper?"

Willy " Aye McBroon.......the pie with the message..."

McBroon " What are you talking aboot man ..."

Willy " You ken McBroon.....that pie with the recorded message..."

McBroon " Recorded message!"

Willy " Oh fuck McBroon, thee's been a  wee cock up..."

McBroon " I had no prior knowledge, I had no prior knowledge, I had no prior knowledge...."

McBROON HATCHES A NEW WEE PLAN

After 9 hours doon the Polis this anorak scribbler has been released on bail without charge to appear before the Magistrate in May 2010.

McBroon "Willy I've got a new wee plan...."

Willy " What!......nae soundbites today McBroon?"

McBroon " Shut it son......I'm gonna set up a wee sting operation using Pierre from pie assembly..."

Willy "A sting McBroon..."

McBroon " Aye Willy........Pierre met that wee bastard George, the book-keeper from the chipper, in the boating pond at Blackpool......he's a holiday pal..."

Willy " Aye?"

McBroon " We'll get Pierre to drop by the chipper with one of my pies.........a sort of gift.."

Willy "Aye McBroon........a poisoned gift!"

McBroon " That's the point Willy.......there'll be a wee bug inside..."

Willy " Nothing new there then McBroon..."

McBroon " Shut it Willy.... no a creepy crawly......a listening device......we'll be able to listen in to all their expansion plans..."

Willy " Is this kosher McBroon?"

McBroon " Big Jackie doon the Polis says nae bother......remember Willy, if Pierre screws up, I had no prior knowledge.."

Willy Aye McBroon, leave it to me.."

A MEA CULPA 

An apology from the anorak scribbler responsible for commenting on life at McBroons

Polis " Your lifted pal...."

Anorak Scribbler " Que?"

Polis " You're accused of scribbling shite aboot the Great Helmsman McBroon.....You're accused of threatening to reveal details of the top secret ingredients of his world famous pies....you're accused of making a public statement that his Great Pie Bailout Plan is a Pie in the Sky Pyramid Pie Sales Scam...  you're nicked laddie!"

Help me ......is this the end of my pathetic commentary on the educated non spin-mongering elite who will guide a grateful nation through the swampy waters of the American Sub-Prime Pie Slump on the way to the sunny uplands of the New Jerusalem, the Third Way Paradise, a land of milk-less coos, of bees who've lost their honey making skills, a land of untold opportunity for outreach consultants, diversity officers and shelve stackers?"

THE MORNING CONFERENCE

Willy " Morning McBroon have you read The Herald?"

McBroon " Aye have that laddie..."

Willy " What's this aboot that Tory and they leaks?"

McBroon " What?......has some bastard been after the recipes for oor pies?"

Willy " Naw McBroon...this stinks...just like your pies!"

McBROON VISITS THE CHEEKY CHAPS CHIPPER

Big Dave " Afternoon.....lightly battered line caught sole with double fried chips then.."

McBroon " Pies for hard working families..."

Big Dave " This is a chipper mate....."

McBroon " No more empty pies....."

Big Dave "Think you've got the wrong store guv....."

McBroon " Investment in pies....."

Big Dave " Can I get you a doctor?"

McBroon "50 quarters of stability for pies....."

Big Dave " George ( doing the books in the back shop )......there's a nutter here blathering on about pies..."

George " That'll be McBroon from McBroons Pie Shop......he's setting up a loan facility for hard pressed working families based on the revenue stream from pie sales for the next 300 years

.....take my advice and steer well clear..."

Big Dave " Sound advice George.....seems like a pie in the sky pyramid pie sales scam....."

McBroon " Sassenach bastards..."

                  THE CHIPPER FIGHTS BACK

McBroon sits in the lotus position repeating pie mantras " no more empty pies, no more empty pies...........50 years of pie sales, 50 years of pie sales.."

Door- bell rings, Willy enters..

Willy " 50 years of pie sales McBroon....."

McBroon " Pies for hard working families.."

Willy " Let's drop this soundbite shite McBroon.......you need to ignore that Pierre bloke on the pie assembly line you hired from Brussels.......the plan is no working.."

Mcbroon " No working ?"

Willy " Those posh gits doon the Chipper are re-branding.......its no longer the Osborne & Cameron Chipper....."

McBroon " Rebranding !........always was a nasty wee chipper, always will be....."

Willy " Listen McBroon.....wee Jessie on the potato slicer tells me they were going to call themselves the No Chavs Chipper.......but that big Dave bloke, he's no a daft laddie......says that's no inclusive......wants a big tent chipper.....they're going to call it The Cheeky Chaps Chipper...."

McBroon " Bastards....."

Willy " There's worse McBroon......they're saying the Discounted Pie Purchase Plan is pie in the sky....."

McBroon " Pie in the sky!"

Willy " Aye McBroon.......there's more too......the European Pie Union wants all the comrades to sell McBroon Pie Bonds but the Jerries, Frogs and Mr Whippies aren't up for it......they don't like your Pie Bailout Plan.....Dave doon the chipper says there never was anything new aboot your pies......remember the wee pricing con you tried with VAT?.......big Dave is telling the toon your pies are the same old pies they've always been.......the lassies at the Womans Institute agree......and they know a good pie!....."

McBroon " Sassenach bastards.."

Wi

           

BREAKING NEWS

McBroon " Willy......not too late I hope ?"

Willy " Hard working families........och its you McBroon.."

Mcbroon " We need to get Prescott.."

Willy " Blue skies thinking McBroon.....he's the ideal punter to sign up to the McBroon Discounted Pie Purchase Bailout Plan....."

          

          MORE PIENOMICS

Willy " Evening McBroon.... how's the stimulus doing ?"

McBroon " 50 quarters of uninterupted growth......och sorry Willy, you're one of us......those sassenach bastards doon the Osborne & Cameron Chipper are rubbishing the bailout....."

Willy " Ignore them Mcbroon....."

McBroon " Posh Dave says I'll never sign up enough punters to my discount pie purchase plan to pay off the new loan....."

Willy " Hard hearted bastards.....they're the Do Nothing Chipper.....just want McBroons Pie Shop to fold so they can capture all the take-away trade...."

McBroon " Good line that Willy.....the Do Nothing Chipper.....text all the pie shop supporters to get them on message....."

Willy " Will do Mcbroon....posh gits.....bet they offer silver service doon their chipper.....prats.."

McBroon " Well said Willy......stay on message.."

McBroon/Willy (in unison) " the Do Nothing Chipper, the Do Nothing Chipper, the Do Nothing Chipper..."

 

              PIENOMICS

Willy " A bit glum today McBroon.."

McBroon " Aye am that Willy..."

Willy " Pie sales doon then.."

McBroon " Worse Willy...I'm over-stocked, over-indebted, the arse has fallen out of the coo futures market and the Americans have given up burgers.."

Willy" That's no your fault McBroon.....you've been stiffed by the yanks.."

McBroon " Aye Willy...reckless bastards those yanks......50 years of pie sales doon the drain.."

Willy " What's with these coo futures McBroon?"

McBroon " Been buying them for 11 years....I've mortgaged, remortgaged, sale and lease-backed the pie shop...up to my ears in debt...even worse...I've pawned the pie machine over at Darlings!"

Willy " Calm doon mcbRoon..I've got a wee plan....it's called a stimulus.."

McBroon " Like you get doon the Womens Institute Willy?"

Willy " Naw McBroon....a fiscal stimulus....we'll get all your customers, their kids, grandkids, great grandkids, the whole toon to sign a contract to buy your pies in perpetuity.....in exchange you'll give them a 14% discount and pay this money to Darling and the bank as interest for your new loan secured against the pie sales for generations to come.."

McBroon " Any risk wee man?"

Willy " Risk McBroon...don't be daft laddie..it's called deferred payment   you'll be long stiff before the shit hits the fan.."

McBroon " What aboot those bright young laddies doon the Osborne and Cameron Chipper?"

Willy " Bloody novices McBroon...........they've no alternative to the McBroon Pie Bailout.."

McBroon " I'm up for it wee man......fancy a bevvy!"

                                               A WEE VISIT

McBroon: " Morning Laddies.."

Men: " You'll be McBroon then ?"

McBroon: " Aye, I'm the one.......50 years of growing pie sales......you'll be wanting one of my pies then?"

Men: " No ...Trading Standards McBroon.......we've had a complaint.."

McBroon: "What!...aboot my pies......best pies in toon.."

Men: " Aye aboot your pies McBroon, and your prices.."

McBroon: " Best pies in toon........50 years of uninterrupted sales.."

Men: " Jimmy from the butchers tells us your charging VAT on your pies.."

McBroon: " No, no laddies, the price is all  inclusive.."

Men: " Look you big numpty........there's nae VAT on food...you're cheating the punters.."

McBroon:" Look I tell you it's an all inclusive price..."

Men: " Aye McBroon, an all inclusive price.....inclusive of tax at 17.5%, then 15%, then 17.5% and then 18.5%....."

McBroon: "Lighten up laddies.......it's just a wee joke......you have to read the small print on the wrapping.."

Men: " The only joke round here McBroon is your pies....the lassies doon the Institute say your pies are like an estate agent...full of air.."

McBroon: " But the chippy doon the way has cut its price by 2.5%, so they must be charging VAT too..."

Men: " Rubbish McBroon...those nice young laddies at the Osborne and Cameron Chipper just like to offer the punters a good deal....what's more McBroon there's nae fibs on the wrapping.."

McBroon: " Sassenach bastards..."

Men: "You're on a caution McBroon...you are the only pie shop in Europe cheating the punters with VAT.."

The McBroon Pie Shop

Willy: " Morning McBroon...how's they pies doing?"

McBroon: " I'm well fucked Willy, well fucked...it's nae time for novices.."

Willy: " Whit dae you mean man....calm doon....a pie's a fucking pie for all that.."

McBroon: "Aye laddie but I had a wee scheme for changing the price and it's all blown up in my face.."

Willy: "Up or doon McBroon?"

McBroon. "A bit of both Willy...doon for a wee while, then up for a wee while and then up a wee bit more for a wee while more.."

Willy: " Will that be 50 quarters of they prices going up or doon McBroon?"

McBroon: "(in song) Up doon shake it all aroun'.."

Willy: " McBroon there's a rare wee smell in your pie shop.......something must be aff.."

McBroon: "I cannae sell my pies Willy.....no-one trusts me any more.....I've lost my book-keeper......says I'm a devious bastard.....aw the punters are aff doon the street at the Osborne and Cameron Chipper...bastards.....I've been here for ages.....they're bloody novices..."

Willy: " I'm no surprised McBroon..you're a thieving lying bastard..those nice young laddies down the chipper are no novices......best chipper in toon.."

THE McBROON PIE SHOP

( A light- hearted commentary on life in the UK viewed through the medium of the take- away food trade)

McBroon: " Morning Jimmy..."

Jimmy: "Got any pies laddie..'"

McBroon: " Aye, have that Jimmy."

Jimmy: " How much then?"

McBroon: " Good question Jimmy. Right now they are a quid plus 17.5% VAT, on the first of December they'll be a quid plus 15% VAT, on the first of January 2010 they'll be a quid plus 17.5% and on the first of January 2011 they'll be a quid plus 18.5% VAT"

Willy: " I just want to buy a pie you f'ing idiot...."

McBroon: " Exceptional circumstances call for exceptional measures...and by the way Jimmy I forgot to mention the extra 0.5% in NI contributions so your pie net of VAT won't be a quid, it'll be more.."

Willy: " See you McBroon, your pies are crap...I'm aff down the Chipper.."