HANGING BASKETS,HANGING CHAVS

Willy:" McB I've got a wee stoater on they bastards doon the Chipper...."

McBroon: " Gie it tae me..."

Willy: " You know those noncey hanging baskets with the flowers they've got..."

McBroon: " Aye, bloody stupid they are too..."

Willy: " Big Jackie says they hav'nae paid for them....."

McBroon: " Right! I'm aff doon the Chipper...."

Big Dave: "Morning Mr McBroon.....line caught sole n'chips then?

McBroon: "Shut it you sassenach bastard.....I hear you've no paid wee Willie for they stupid hanging baskets.....that's against the rules of the Traders Association..."

Big Dave: " Once again McBroon your facts are wrong.....Willie and I did a deal...I give him fish suppers and he gives me hanging baskets..........it's a win-win...............publicity for his flowers, publicity for my suppers.."

McBroon: " Don't smart alec me you poncey git........."

Big Dave: " Talking of smart alecs McBroon.................what about your mate down the repair shop.............my punters are calling him Smart Malick..."

McBroon: " What's this crap........"

Big Dave: " Well McB, he told Liam the lollipop man that his home cinema was well and truly knackered.......offered to buy it off him at half-price..."

McBroon: " Your a fraud......those Hanging Baskets will be the doing of you......"

Big Dave: " You just don't get it McBroon........ you seem to be forgetting that unfortunate incident with the hoodies outside the Pie Shop.......remember the headline in the Gazette"

McBroon: " What!"

Big Dave: " Aye McBroon.............the eve of the last elections  you told the Hoodies in front of McBroons to move on sharpish......."

McBroon: " Aye, so what....."

Big Dave: " Let's see...oh aye, I've got a copy here ........... 'McBroon Supports Hanging Chavs'......"

THE DEFROCKING OF BIG MICK

Wee Dougie at the Car Wash mounts a campaign to end Big Micks'  eight year reign of terror.

Willy: " McB I've got some bad news ......."

McBroon: " Oh aye....Prezza doing another make-over then....."

Willy: " Sober up big man....that wee bastard Dougie doon the Shiny Bright Car Wash is outside the Chipper giving leaflets tae the punters...."

McBroon: " Aye, but his cleans are way too pricey...."

Willy: " Naw you  bampot.........he's giving out leaflets saying Mick is a frock coated numpty .... that the protection racket is finished.....that Mick has been charging taxis to the Traders.."

McBroon: " Calm doon wee man.....I'm seeing the Council after lunch for a private chat about double yellows outside the Chipper........"

Willy: " Get real McB......wee Dougie has clamped big Mick's motor....."

McBroon: " That's illegal......"

Willy: " Naw McB.............Mick left his motor on the forecourt of the Car Wash..........it's private property  and that wee bastard Dougie got his boys to clamp up his wheels...............big Mick is strutting up and  doon the High Street in that stupid coat of his waving his silly wee stick.............nae'body is feert of him anymore......

McBroon: " It's in the rules the traders don't diss the Don.......those uppity bastards from the Chipper and the Car Wash are trying to change things...."

Willy: " Aye McB......big Dave his side-kick George and wee Dougie are toffee nosed bastards but the punters like them......say they're a breath of fresh air..... and wee Kate gave Mick a ticket the other day.......it's an insurrection"

McBroon: " Insurrection!......I'll soon stop that.....we need some dirt on the Chipper......"

Willy: " Yer missing the point big man....the punters say Mick has been taking the piss.....things are changing......."

McBroon: " Shut it Willy and get digging for dirt on the Chipper..."

BIG MICK DISSES WEE KATE

After 8 years of bossing the parish Big Mick finds the traders lining up to give him a kicking.

Willy: " Hey McBroon that Big Mick is a bloody disgrace..."

McBroon: " Watch yer tongue laddie....Big Mick's the Don round these parts...we'll have no disrepecting him........right!"

Willy: " Aye but he gave Kate the Traffic Warden lassie a right slagging the other day.....she said he didn'ae have the right to leave his motor on the double yellows ootside the Pie Shop......he told her to shut her face......that he wus fed up listening to her lectures aboot parking..."

McBroon: " You just don't get it you silly laddie..........he's the one who keeps the peace.....has a quiet word with anyone who steps oot of line....."

Willy: " They say doon the Rovers that he's kneecapped a few in his time...."

McBroon: " Look bampot.......Mick is one of us.....this is no time to go dissing him....."

Willy: " I don't get it McB.....he's a thug.....a foul mouthed thug....."

McBroon: " Exactly wee man...just the sort of guy I need to support my campaign to lead the Traders.....has good contacts at the Gazette.....he'll whip Big Jackie and all the staff at the Donner shop to vote for me....."

Willy: " Right big man.........but we need to get wee Kate back on message..."

McBroon: " Learning fast Willy............now here's the plan......we have tae get the cooncil to put double yellows ootside the Chipper...."

Willy: " More double yellows!"

McBroon: " Aye wee man.........it's a win-win.........wee Kate gets the chance to give out more tickets and the Chipper's business takes a hit and.........."

Willy: " Big Mick gets a reprieve for disrespecting wee kate...........bloody genius big man"

PREZZA AND THE PLACKY

Following a mix up with the placky bags in the back shop, Prezza has the placky with McBroons election strategy and Jessies make-up.

Willy: " Hey McBroon.......... that flash bastard Prezza just pulled up in his Jag..."

McBroon: " Which one...he's got two..."

Willy: " And two bog seats too..."

McBroon: " Shut it.....we need to swop the plackies......I'll divert Prezza in conversation aboot Tudor accessories and you nip oot to the Jag and swop the plackies over..."

Willy: " Ok McB....."

Prezza: " Morning ducky...."

McBroon: " Whats with this ducky business?

Prezza: " Didn't know you liked a bit of lippy McBroon......new gimmick to increase the sales?

McBroon: " I don't know what your on aboot Prezza......."

Prezza: " Don't be shy McBroon......"

McBroon:" Oh aye.....the Tudor beams look really smart.....fairly spruced up that pebble-dashed facade of yours......"

Prezza: " Pebble-dash!......that's marble chippings you bampot......listen McBroon, after your dodgy  expenses claim for the cleaner you share with the Traders I'd be very careful......if it was to get oot that it wasn't just yer pies that were getting a make-over you'd be the laughing stock of the High Street....."

McBroon: " Willy ...........pop a bag of pies in Mr P's motor....."

Prezza: " Too late McBroon......I've got the placky here with your election strategy and...."

McBroon: " and Jessies make-up...... many thanks.........she wis asking this morning where it wus...."

Prezza: " Look McBroon.........you and your dividing lines, your smearing, your strategy of re-announcing policies........it's all bollocks....that's not what The Traders is all aboot....."

Willy: " Well said Mr P.......canvassing with a soap box is much better...... remember that fisticuffs with the bloke doon the Market who lobbed an egg at you .......didn't half give him a battering...."

Prezza: " Aye lad.....I've always preferred to talk to the punters man to man......" 

McBroon: " You're a bloody disgrace......brought nothing but shame on the Traders...."

Prezza: " Watch your step McBroon.......I know your wee secret..."

THE UNION DON STEPS BY

A sleek mini cab pulls up on the double yellows outside McBroons. A gruff voice tells the driver to leave the meter running............... "the traders are paying".

A dumpy, duck shaped man wearing a frock coat and carrying a shiny stick struggles out of the cab and waddles towards McBroons.

McBroon spies the looming disaster from behind the discount pies. "Oh shite ..."

McBroon: "Willy we're deep in the shite........."

Willy: " Nothing new there McB........"

McBroon: " Shut it....it's Big Mick fae the Union...........he'll be calling aboot the dues.."

Willy: " You mean the protection money........."

McBroon: " Aye,but we call it the 'dues'........... stay on message you cretin...."

The door bursts open. Big Mick enters.

Mick: " Where's McBroon ?

Willy: " Morning Mr Mick ...........lovely day.............hear Mrs Mick has been doing a bit of decorating..............wall-papering...."

Mick: " Shut your mouth and go fetch McBroon fae the back shop.."

Willy goes back shop. 

Willy: " McB....... big Mick seems right pissed off....."

McBroon: " Did you mention the wall-papering?

Willy: " Aye I did..."

Mcbroon: " Never mention the wall-papering, or the taxis....remember, he's the Don in these parts..."

Mick: " Get oot here McBroon..."

McBroon: " A very good morning to you Mick...."

Mick: " You've no been paying your dues McBroon......you know what that means.."

McBroon: " Times are tough Mick.........had problems with the roof............my stock got water damaged.........and the Woolies next door closed...and..."

Mick: " Cut the crap McBroon.....I'm the Don in this parish......understood.......when I'm watching telly in bed at midnight I don't want to hear you slagging off the Union.....I make the rules, you follow them....OK?.."

McBroon: " Aye Mick......look I'm a wee bit short right now but perhaps you'd accept a gift box of pies..."

Mick: " Pies!......f'ing idiot........me and the missus don't eat pies......nothing less than line caught sole for me doon the Chipper...."

McBroon: " But that bloke Dave and his side-kick wee George are toffee nosed bastards fae the south....."

Mick: " Aye.....but I'm the Don......and the Don gets what he wants.....I'll be back in a week for the dues....."

McBroon: " I'd like to apologize on behalf of Willy and........."

Mick: " Sorry!....ye widn'ae know the meaning of the word......a wee word of advice McBroon........fix that f'ing roof now the summers coming or we'll be closing you doon..."

pienomics: MICKS RAP

pienomics: MICKS RAP

MICKS RAP

A tribute to Gorbals Micks rant at Kate Hoey  this afternoon.

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Sits on a wool sack what a prick

Waddles like a duck talks like a dick

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Travels by taxi paid by the proles

Loves his wallpaper wallpaper rolls

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Gorbals Mick is coming for you

All Glasgow kiss and Irn Bru

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Calls them mister calls them miss

The right hons think he's piss

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

Don't call me Kate says Gorbals Mick

I'm the boss and your a dick

Gorbals Mick hissy fit 

Gorbals Mick hissy fit

BLUSHES AT THE PIE SHOP

Willy enters the Pie Shop and hears the sound of The Pie Slicing Machine being hurled to the floor. An agitated McB storms into the front shop.

McBroon:" We're doomed, we're doomed...."

Willy: " We're doomed.....new soundbite McB?

McBroon: "Shut it....."

Willy: "Calm doon big man ........that's nae way to treat the Pie Slicer..."

McBroon: " Look you daft wee bugger........remember the placky bags with the pies for Prezza .."

Willy: " Aye I do......they wus next to the placky bag with your plans for being elected Chairman of the Traders..."

McBroon: " I've just been over at Big Jackies Donner Shop and she says Prezza's well pissed off..."

Willy: " Aye so I hear ....the lasses doon the WI are saying his missus disn'ae like the Tudor make-over.."

McBroon: " Cut the Tudor crap........you didn'ae give him the placky with the pies........you gave him the placky with...."

Willy: " Oh shite McB.........I must have given him the placky with your election strategy..."

McBroon: " Worse than that.......my Jessies make-up was in the placky.......I'm going tae be the laughing stock of the High Street......"

Willy: " Take it easy McB..........everyone knows you don't wear lippy and all that girly stuff.."

McBroon: " the whole Toon knows Prezza's a flash bastard with his posh motors, fancy bog seats and Tudor styling......but what if they think I'm...."

Willy: " A big Jessie....."

McBroon: " Watch yer tongue laddie......we've got to swap the placky bags before Prezza sits doon for his tea....... otherwise..........I'll never get elected....."

FLIPPING PIES

Willy: "McB  a bloke has just dropped by with a solution for the water damaged pies......"

McBroon: " Oh aye.......what's his name?.."

Willy: " Hood I think........says the boys down the Chipper mentioned you had water damaged stock because of the dodgy roof..."

McBroon: " Cut the crap aboot the roof......now what's this plan.."

Willy: " It's all to do with changing the sell-by date.........says it's like a house make-over...."

McBroon: " Aye, tell me more..."

Willy: " What you do is dry out the pies in front of the fire, change the sell-by sticker and pop them in a new wrapper...."

McBroon: " And then we can offer them as clearance stock at a discount because they'll be close to their use-by date..."

Willy: "  You got it in one big man..........it's a win win situation.........the punters will love you for reducing prices in a recession and McBroons makes a profit......ker ching...."

McBroon: " What's this plan called?.."

Willy: " He calls it 'flipping'..........you can do it with houses.."

McBroon:" But what aboot Trading Standards and the Wee Green Book on hygiene...."

Willy: " Easy peasy McB.....I've had a chat with the Clerk at the Traders Association ........he says that if you judge the pies to be bona fide and essential for the business then there is nae problem....rules are rules McB..."

McBroon: " Aye Willy...rules are rules.....and we wouldn't want to break them....McBroons is a Pie Shop so no problem with the 'essential' bit and after a night roasting in front of the wee fire they'll be as good as new........... by the way, what does this guy Hood look like?.."

Willy: " A bit dodgy if you ask me McB..... think he knows Pierre...."

McBroon: " Careful son....never judge a book by its cover...."

Willy: " That's what Dave down the Chipper says aboot the shiny wrapping on your pies......"

McBroon: " Shut it Willy........as Pierre knows about this flipping get him in to help with the pies..."

 

TURMOIL AT THE PIE SHOP

Willy: " McBroon I've got some bad news....."

McBroon: " What!.....are the sales doon?..."

Willy: " It's worse....I hear that Big Dave at the Chipper is going to stand for Chairman of the Traders....."

McBroon: " Bastard..."

Willy: "That George bloke who does the books has put him up to it....."

McBroon:" That'll be the same George that Pierre met at the boating pond last summer.."

Willy: "Aye, the very one...."

McBroon:" Right we need to put a dividing line between us and them..."

Willy: " But Broon you've already tried that.....remember when you changed the filling....said your pies were 'new'...."

McBroon: " Aye, I do well...........that stuffed the Chipper..."

Willy: " But McB they've re-branded......Dave says your pies are the same old pies they've always been........says  you've wasted thousands changing the recipe but the taste is just the same......worse, their campaign slogan  is 'new wrapper, same old pie'......"

McBroon:" The Traders will never vote for a toffee nosed sassenach bastard and his poncey line caught sole..."

Willy: " Aye McB...........but the Traders are pretty pissed off with you for claiming the cleaner's expenses......"

McBroon: " Right Willy we've got to get all the troops on message......."

Willy: " More soundbites McB....."

McBroon: " Aye Willy....remember 10 years back when we introduced the 'new' pies...."

Willy: " Aye, we said 'they could only get better'......"

McBroon: " Now you know why I brought Pierre back from Brussels.......he's good with words.."

Willy: " But you were right pissed off with him about the roof repair bill........and remember the Chipper has been saying your pies wouldn't be water damaged if you'd fixed the roof when the sun was out...."

McBroon: " Shut it Willy......we need to get hold of our biggest client.....Prezza .."

Willy: " Aye, he likes his pies.....I hear he's given the house a makeover.....he's gone all Tudor.."

McBroon: " Tudor or not he's got lots of clout with the Traders.... and don't mention his Jags or bog seats..."

Willy: " Right McB.....leave it to me...." 

CLEANING UP AT THE PIE SHOP

Bleary eyed from a night scouring the classified property ads  Haze arrives at McBroons Pie Shop for the morning clean.

She hears the sound of voices from the back shop.

McBroon: " Willy the game's up......"

Willy: " Whit do y'mean McB......"

McBroon: " The Local Trader's Association is onto me.....say I shouldn't have been claiming for Haze..."

Willy: " Nothing wrong there McB.............only a f'ing idiot wouldn't claim for hiring a bloody cleaning woman..."

McBroon: " Aye Willy, but I share her salary with the Association....people look up to me.....the Pie Shop  has been in the McBroon family for generations...........it's the mainstay of the High Street....can't have it getting around that I'm a bad payer...."

Willy: " Aye McB.....and with you standing for Chairman of the Traders it widn'ae look good...."

McBroon: " Accounting is just not my strong point Willy.....pies have been my life....all this tax stuff just leaves me cold..."

Willy: " Just like your bloody pies..."

McBroon: " Shut it pal..... I'm gonna have to make a clean breast about this.......how about me writing a letter to the  Gazette explaining how the rules of the Trader's Association are ...."

Will: " Open to abuse...."

McBroon: " Mind your tongue laddie.........it's just that it's always been this way...."

Willy: " Look Broon there's only one solution.....you need to go on the local radio station and broadcast to the toon how you are going to change the rules of the Trader's Association ...."

McBroon: " When I become Chairman?..."

Willy: " You're forgetting a wee detail Broon.......you have to get elected first..."

McBroon: " Elected!.....I've got an agreement with the Chairman that he'll step down and I'll take over.....a fresh broom..."

Willy: " What agreement?......"

McBroon: " The Chairman promised me over a donner at Big Jackies Takeaway  he'd step aside after 10 years...."

Willy: " Don't be daft laddie.........the Chairman! he's a lying bastard......it was him that started the take-away war with the Cheeky Chaps Chipper.........remember?.................said  their fish wisn'ae line caught.......that there was a stockpile of dead fish hidden in the back-yard......"

McBroon: " Aye,too true Willy..............when Health and Safety went in they couldn'ae find anything......"

Willy: " Aye McB......that Swedish bloke Blix said there was no evidence of them stockpiling fish....."

McBroon." Look Willy I'm going to say that what I did was within the rules and once I'm head of the Traders I'll change the rules..."

Willy: " Calm doon big man...I hear that Prezza bloke is starting up a Tudor Accessorizing shop....he'll gie you a job if the Traders don't support you for Chairman..."

PANIC AT THE PIE SHOP

Willy spots Prezza heading towards the Pie Shop.

Willy: " Big man, quick, that fat bastard Prezza is heading oor way...."

McBroon: " What!....old two bog seats?.."

Willy: "Aye the very one....sleekit bastard has parked his Jag round the corner so we won't think he's a rich git.."

McBroon: " Fat useless bastard....hear he's gentrified his hoose wi' mock Tudor beams on the front wall..."

Willy: " Shut it Broon....need to play canny....remember he gets a thumping monthly allowance from his company for food expenses....."

McBroon: " Aye your'e right there Willy....₤400 buys a load of pies..."

Willy: " Spot on big man....this'll solve our wee problem of excess stock...."

McBroon:" Get wrapping Willy........the 'brus r'on me..."

Willy: " I'm on it now .......any chance of sending your cleaner round my place?.."

McBroon: " Shut it Willy....this whole cleaning nonsense started in America...."

THE CHARS TO STRIKE

Cleaning ladies at the Palace of Westminster to go on strike as the PM vows to end the culture of McBroom and Dust.

THE PIE SHOP REVISITED

McBroon sits hunched at a bare table in the back shop. Unsold pies spill out into the back yard.

Willy: "Hey Broon your'e looking right glum the night.."

McBroon: "Och it's nae right.....that Pierre guy from Brussels I hired to do some PR for the pies has well stitched me up.."

Willy: " How's that Broon?..."

McBroon: " You know that flat we rented for him......well, he's just handed me a bill for roof repairs..."

Willy: "Roof repairs?..."

McBroon: " Aye Willy....cheeky bastard says I should have fixed the roof when the sun was shining....."

Willy: " Calm doon big man you'll be able to set it against expenses......fancy a wee 'bru?..."

McBroon: " Naw, I've got the cleaner round the hoose..."