An imaginary conversation between The Great Helmsman McBroon and his bag carrier Willy:

McBroon " Fuck me Willy I've been given my P45......."

Willy " What's that?"

McBroon " I've been fired..........given my jotters..."

Willy " Thought that only happened in the private sector.........best get doon the Job Centre big man..."

McBroon " Where will I find one?"

Willy "Just like Tesco big man.......there's one on every corner....growing chain I hear.........best prepare a CV though..."

McBroon "A CV!........what's that?"

Willy " A story aboot your work experience........"

McBroon " splutter............I've only had one job..."

Willy " Calm doon..........you're an expert in bullying, leaking and soundbites.."

McBroon " Aye, so I am........."

Willy " See there's lots of opportunities.......a bouncer, a plumber, the speaking clock.....let me know how you get on..."

                         THE CHECK-OUT LASSIE

McBroon and big Dave meet at wee Sadies corner shop.

Big Dave " Morning McBroon.....Had an American in the chipper last night.....told me he'd been doing some work on your roof.......can't be too careful with the roof on an old building.."

McBroon " Sassenach bastard......"

Lassie " Morning Mr McBroon....."

McBron "Your pa has no been round the Pie Shop recently......."

Lassie " Aye I know Mr McBroon......he's saying your pies are water damaged.....must have a leaky roof over the pie kitchen..............says you should have fixed the roof when the sun was shining.."

McBroon " Shut it lass and gie me the bill......."

Lassie " You must the owner of the chipper.......we always went to the Pie Shop.......it was fun when the old owner was there......always playing that nice tune It Can Only Get Better.......but now McBroon has taken over it's just not the same...."

Big Dave " You're spot on......if you don't fix the roof when the sun is shining you're storing up a lot of problems.........McBroon has a warehouse full of unsold pies..."

Lassie " I've had Willy and that Pierre round here trying to flog McBroons Pie Bailout Scheme........my ma says it's just a con.........one of those pyramid sales thingys you see on Watchdog........and that Pierre bloke was saying that McBroon was a modern Moses........f'ing bampot........if we followed McBroon doon the park we'd all drown in the boating pond!"