BIGOTS N' CHIPS

Willy: ' What did you call her?'

McBroon: ' Who allowed that woman near my soap box.....three generations of McBroons have ruled the High Street....we've always bossed the Traders Association.....she asked me aboot the use of chicken livers from Poland in my pies.....said it wis'nae right that I was buying my fillings from overseas.....taking jobs from the local farmers she said......'

Willy: ' Aye McB.....but when she told you she was now buying her takeaways from The Cheeky Chaps Chipper you said she was a bigot....'

McBroon: ' No I didn't.....she's misunderstood .....'

Willy: ' Get real you big numpty.....the boy from the Gazette, he's got it on cassette.....you cannae go around calling respectable old ladies bigots......let's face it McB, your wee plan to reduce the overdraft by buying dodgy chicken livers from Poland is going to lead to a downgrade of the quality standards your Dad and Grandad maintained for years...... that Foodys Agency is going to tell the punters to steer well clear of the Pie Shop......with reduced takings how are you going to pay the bank......you're drowning in debt after the problem with the leaky roof !'

McBroon: ' Ok, I've got a plan B.....what's her name ?'

Willy: 'Sadie McB, Sadie..'

McBroon: ' Ok we'll get round to her house straight away and apologize...'

Willy: ' I'd have a wee bru before you go.....perhaps you could tell her you meant to say faggots....you got your f's and b's mixed up....remember your Dad used to make the best faggots in the county.....'

McBroon: ' .........where's Pierre.......he always knows how to explain things.'

Willy: ' Aye McB....that'll be mutton into lamb.......the game's up big man......I'd start writing your memoirs.....how about A life of Pies........'

A CAB TO NOWHERE

McBroon: 'Keep your bloody heid doon Toni......we can't be seen sharing a cab....the press will murder us...'

Cabbie: 'Makes a change from the Taliban then.......'

McBroon: 'Shut it Cabbie....'

Toni: 'Look McBroon it's going to be pretty difficult for me to interrupt my Rotary Club Lunches tour.....'

McBroon: 'For fuck sakes Toni....you've made millions since you left the Traders....the members are pretty pissed off with you........all those houses..........flash suits............not to mention dodgy acquaintances........'

Toni: 'Relax McB...... everyone knows I'm a pretty straight sort of guy.......let's face it you have been in charge for 13 years...'

McBroon:' What!!!!.....'

Toni: 'Oh come on McBroon.....I was just the front man........ the guy who smiled a lot........ ............rubbed shoulders with celebs...........everyone knows you were the power behind the Traders Association...........you were the guy who said that boom and bust was over.....'

McBroon:' But you said that Big Dave was stock-piling cod in his back yard.....'

Cabbie: ' Too true....... but that geezer Blix from 'elf and safety didn't find nuffing when he went to check out the Chipper....... no boom and bust down the Chipper McB... '

McBroon: 'Stick to driving son.....'

Toni: 'Look McB.....big Dave and little George down the chipper are onto something.....the Pie Shop can't dominate the High Street for another 13 years.......pies are old hat.....the punters want something new........you haven't changed your fillings for years......and after the water damage.......well.......'

McBroon: ' Don't you start on the leaky roof nonsense..........those bastards doon the chipper are feckless novices.....'

Toni: 'That's what they said about us in 1997....'

McBroon: ' But you and Pierre said it would only get better!'

Toni: 'It has McB..........has for me........five houses and 2o mil in the bank.........and look at Pierre ........off to Europe......house in Regents Park.......and now wears ermine... even old Prezza has got into the Tudor accessorizing biz...'

Cabbie: 'It's better for me too....nothing better than being a cab for hire.....lots of the folding stuff....'

McBroon: 'Bloody marvellous.....I take the can for everything.....and now I have to stand for election....'

Toni: ' You only got to be the president of the Traders because I honoured the deal we made at Big Jacquis donner shop.......'

McBroon: ' This is so unfair..........the Americans stop eating pies..........the Pie Shop gets a leaky roof...........and a posh pair of bastards start selling line caught sole doon the street...'

Cabbie: ' Kerching, kerching...'

Toni: ' and there was the little issue of you and the cleaning lady from the Traders.....remember McB......charging her cleans of the Pie Shop to the Traders Association...'

McBroon:' I was only following the rules....'

Cabbie: ' The rules have changed McB.......kerching, kerching...........any contacts for a sharp accountant Toni?..........the 50% levy McB and his sidekick Darling down the Pawn Shop want to charge the members is a bloody disgrace....'

T 20 or T 21?

Willy: 'McB the boys doon the Chipper are saying you misled the Traders...'

McBroon: 'What!'

Willy: ' Aye McB.....at the last Trader's meeting you said Big Jacquis Donner Takeaway wis part of the T 20.....but she's no a member..'

McBroon: ' Shut it wee man..... Big Jacqui has been on the Street for years and that makes her a member of the T 20.....'

Willy: ' Big Dave says she's no paid her dues..... eyelashes Andy doon the Chemist is number 20........it would be the T 21 if big Jacqui was a member....'

McBroon: ' That posh bastard at the Chipper wid'nae know his herring from his haddock....'

Willy: 'Maybe McB.....but the punters like his wind fueled fryer.......Jacqui's donners and your pies are messing up the ozone.....remember what eyelashes Andy said aboot all the CO2 coming from the coos rear ends....'

McBroon: ' Rubbish.....I've been on the Street longer than anyone.....remember it was McBroons that saved the Street when the luncheon voucher credit bubble exploded....'

Willy: ' Aye McB.... but you sold hundreds of LV's.....said they were better than money.... food for everyone you said........off balance sheet food you called it......the Chipper boys are saying there's no such thing as a free lunch.....'

McBroon: ' Shut it!....the LV's came from America......everybody knows that.......now get back on message wee man....'

Willy: ' Fine big man....but is it the T 20 or the T 21?

CLIMATE CHANGE KERFUFFLE

McBroon: 'Hey Willy that poncey bastard doon Cheekies has put a windmill on the roof of the

Chipper....'

Willy: Aye McB.......I don't get it......what the f**k does he need a f*****g wind mill for......him and wee George are full of air......hot f*****g air..'

McBroon: ' Aye wee man.....it's also in breach of the planning laws......line caught sole my arse'

Willy: 'Spot on big man......but Eyelash Andy doon the chemists saying your pies are bad for the climate..'

McBroon: ' My pies....bad for the climate!!!!!!!!

Willy: ' Aye McB......Andy says it's the meat filling..'

McBroon: ' Best meat filling in the world......'

Willy: ' But meat comes from coos McB.....coos fart a lot....all their farts go up into the atmosphere.....Andy says all the gas from the coos rear ends is f*****g up the ozone.....Andy says you should change to fish pies....'

McBroon: 'Fish pies!.......over my deid body......they bastards doon the Chipper do fish pies.....if I do fish pies, there will'nae be a dividing line between us......I'd have to change the shop sign too.....'

Willy: ' You McBroons have been involved with pies for generations....but maybe it's time for a wee change.......remember that problem we had with the leaky roof and the damaged stock.......if we switched to fish pies big Dave could'nae tell everyone that you didn't fix the roof when the sun was shining......'

McBroon: ' Shut it Willy.......just shut it........the leaky roof wis'nae my fault......it was that American guy who did the make-over......all the problems started there.......get it!

Willy: ' Aye McB........but Andy Eyelashes is running for the Traders.....what if the members like what he's saying......he's a Chemist..........knows a thing or two about science.....'

McBroon: 'Aye wee man..........science f*****g fiction! ......now get doon to planning and denounce the Chipper and their bloody wind turbine..'

HANGING BASKETS,HANGING CHAVS

Willy:" McB I've got a wee stoater on they bastards doon the Chipper...."

McBroon: " Gie it tae me..."

Willy: " You know those noncey hanging baskets with the flowers they've got..."

McBroon: " Aye, bloody stupid they are too..."

Willy: " Big Jackie says they hav'nae paid for them....."

McBroon: " Right! I'm aff doon the Chipper...."

Big Dave: "Morning Mr McBroon.....line caught sole n'chips then?

McBroon: "Shut it you sassenach bastard.....I hear you've no paid wee Willie for they stupid hanging baskets.....that's against the rules of the Traders Association..."

Big Dave: " Once again McBroon your facts are wrong.....Willie and I did a deal...I give him fish suppers and he gives me hanging baskets..........it's a win-win...............publicity for his flowers, publicity for my suppers.."

McBroon: " Don't smart alec me you poncey git........."

Big Dave: " Talking of smart alecs McBroon.................what about your mate down the repair shop.............my punters are calling him Smart Malick..."

McBroon: " What's this crap........"

Big Dave: " Well McB, he told Liam the lollipop man that his home cinema was well and truly knackered.......offered to buy it off him at half-price..."

McBroon: " Your a fraud......those Hanging Baskets will be the doing of you......"

Big Dave: " You just don't get it McBroon........ you seem to be forgetting that unfortunate incident with the hoodies outside the Pie Shop.......remember the headline in the Gazette"

McBroon: " What!"

Big Dave: " Aye McBroon.............the eve of the last elections  you told the Hoodies in front of McBroons to move on sharpish......."

McBroon: " Aye, so what....."

Big Dave: " Let's see...oh aye, I've got a copy here ........... 'McBroon Supports Hanging Chavs'......"

THE DEFROCKING OF BIG MICK

Wee Dougie at the Car Wash mounts a campaign to end Big Micks'  eight year reign of terror.

Willy: " McB I've got some bad news ......."

McBroon: " Oh aye....Prezza doing another make-over then....."

Willy: " Sober up big man....that wee bastard Dougie doon the Shiny Bright Car Wash is outside the Chipper giving leaflets tae the punters...."

McBroon: " Aye, but his cleans are way too pricey...."

Willy: " Naw you  bampot.........he's giving out leaflets saying Mick is a frock coated numpty .... that the protection racket is finished.....that Mick has been charging taxis to the Traders.."

McBroon: " Calm doon wee man.....I'm seeing the Council after lunch for a private chat about double yellows outside the Chipper........"

Willy: " Get real McB......wee Dougie has clamped big Mick's motor....."

McBroon: " That's illegal......"

Willy: " Naw McB.............Mick left his motor on the forecourt of the Car Wash..........it's private property  and that wee bastard Dougie got his boys to clamp up his wheels...............big Mick is strutting up and  doon the High Street in that stupid coat of his waving his silly wee stick.............nae'body is feert of him anymore......

McBroon: " It's in the rules the traders don't diss the Don.......those uppity bastards from the Chipper and the Car Wash are trying to change things...."

Willy: " Aye McB......big Dave his side-kick George and wee Dougie are toffee nosed bastards but the punters like them......say they're a breath of fresh air..... and wee Kate gave Mick a ticket the other day.......it's an insurrection"

McBroon: " Insurrection!......I'll soon stop that.....we need some dirt on the Chipper......"

Willy: " Yer missing the point big man....the punters say Mick has been taking the piss.....things are changing......."

McBroon: " Shut it Willy and get digging for dirt on the Chipper..."

BIG MICK DISSES WEE KATE

After 8 years of bossing the parish Big Mick finds the traders lining up to give him a kicking.

Willy: " Hey McBroon that Big Mick is a bloody disgrace..."

McBroon: " Watch yer tongue laddie....Big Mick's the Don round these parts...we'll have no disrepecting him........right!"

Willy: " Aye but he gave Kate the Traffic Warden lassie a right slagging the other day.....she said he didn'ae have the right to leave his motor on the double yellows ootside the Pie Shop......he told her to shut her face......that he wus fed up listening to her lectures aboot parking..."

McBroon: " You just don't get it you silly laddie..........he's the one who keeps the peace.....has a quiet word with anyone who steps oot of line....."

Willy: " They say doon the Rovers that he's kneecapped a few in his time...."

McBroon: " Look bampot.......Mick is one of us.....this is no time to go dissing him....."

Willy: " I don't get it McB.....he's a thug.....a foul mouthed thug....."

McBroon: " Exactly wee man...just the sort of guy I need to support my campaign to lead the Traders.....has good contacts at the Gazette.....he'll whip Big Jackie and all the staff at the Donner shop to vote for me....."

Willy: " Right big man.........but we need to get wee Kate back on message..."

McBroon: " Learning fast Willy............now here's the plan......we have tae get the cooncil to put double yellows ootside the Chipper...."

Willy: " More double yellows!"

McBroon: " Aye wee man.........it's a win-win.........wee Kate gets the chance to give out more tickets and the Chipper's business takes a hit and.........."

Willy: " Big Mick gets a reprieve for disrespecting wee kate...........bloody genius big man"